Tamil Nadu: A Tale of Two Cousins

I spent the last week in Tamil Nadu visiting my friends Malathy and Vanitha. It was strange to arrive in Tamil Nadu and not be able to understand the language! Tamil is the main language here, and very few people know Hindi.

Malathy and Vanitha are cousins, from the city of Trichy. We studied together at the Henry Martyn Institute in Hyderabad in 2007-2008. We have stayed in good touch and I have visited them every time I’ve come to India since. I can't see them at the same time, however, because the two cousins have taken very different paths in life: Vanitha eloped for a love marriage with a man of a different caste, whereas Malathy had an arranged marriage.

Vanitha, her husband, and her new baby

Vanitha’s family was furious about her love marriage and the entire extended family cut off communication with her. When she had a baby a year later her mother and brother got back in touch, but her father and extended family still want nothing to do with her. I wrote back in 2009 about my conversation with her father in which he vowed to kill her if he ever saw her again. Malathy's family doesn't want her to spend time with Vanitha because they consider her to be a bad influence.

Malathy and her husband

Malathy married a man from a nearby village who works in Singapore. She didn’t meet him until after their engagement. I was very upset because this man would not allow her to come to the US for an internship my friend Michael’s father had arranged. I was so worried for her future. But in the end it has all worked out because she is flexible and willing to adjust to meet her parents’ and husband’s expectations. Her husband doesn’t want her to work outside the home, take the bus or train, or ride on a scooter (motorcycle, a primary mode of transportation here). The last time she rode on a train was almost 4 years ago, with me. Despite his (in my opinion stifling) over-protection, she and her husband seem to genuinely love each other. She has accepted her role as a traditional Indian wife.

Blessing ceremony as Malathy's baby is welcomed into her husband's home for the first time

Vanitha, on the other hand, remains a strong, independent woman. She has worked for an environmental NGO, run a tailoring business and a beauty parlor, and undertaken other entrepreneurial endeavors. She is lonely sometimes and upset at her family and their culture for treating her this way. Her in-laws accepted the marriage and help her care for her children when needed. But for the most part, she is on her own. I’m one of only two or three friends from before her marriage who will still talk to her.

Vanitha with her son Ajay and new baby

Both Malathy and Vanitha recently (July 23 and August 1 respectively) gave birth to their second child by C-section. Vanitha has a 7 year old son, Ajay, and now a baby girl (who will be named 30 days after her birth). Malathy has a 2 year daughter, Adirai, and now a baby boy, Aarzhivan.

Vanitha's baby

Malathy's baby

Malathy has been living in her parents’ house since May and will stay for another 4 months to heal from the C-section before returning to Singapore with her children to be with her. So her parents’ house currently includes her and her two children, her mother and father, her oldest brother, his wife and two children, her second oldest brother’s wife—that brother is working in London—and two children, four cows, and a dog named Jimmy. Her third brother lives nearby with his wife and one child, and her sister lives in another city, getting IVF and praying for a baby. Being unable to have a child is a considered a great disgrace to a woman.

Me, Malathy's sister (who had come to visit), and all the children in Malathy's home

Needless to say, Malathy has plenty of help caring for her children. Vanitha, on the other hand, is mostly on her own. Her husband works 9am – 9pm (he comes home for a lunch break). She cooks three amazing traditional South Indian meals a day, cleans the apartment, does the laundry, changes a ton of cloth diapers, and helps her son with his homework. All while recovering from her C-section. I was impressed.

Vanitha and her baby

I’m impressed by Malathy too, but in a very different way. I’m impressed by how she’s adapted to her circumstances and developed a good relationship with her husband.

Malathy and her daughter Adirai

In truth, both of their situations make me a bit sad. Vanitha because she’s lonely. Malathy because she’s changed—there were so many things she used to do that she doesn’t now because of her husband. Still, I’m grateful because her husband loves her and cares for her. That’s not something to be taken for granted. And I’m grateful to both of them for their generous hospitality.

 And I have to admit, their kids are adorable.

Malathy's daughter, me, and Malathy's third brother's son